Ahh, yes, the time has come when we vow to be better, less sucky versions of ourselves. 2017 will be the year we get organized, lose the flab, get that raise, and find Mr. or Mrs. Right. We all do it. For years I had vowed to get organized, lose weight, and find the perfect lover…GET as far away from the current version of myself as humanly possible. Enter that crisp, fresh calendar and things will be different, right?

WRONG…Everything you think you know about New Year’s resolutions is wrong, dead wrong.

Maybe you religiously make them or maybe you avoid them like the plague. Either version reveals a wealth of information about you, beautiful you, and how much you love or loath yourself.
So here’s the down-low with resolutions.

They are a freaking racket

and not worth the stained bar napkin you write them down on. Considering we are already a week deep in 2017, my guess is you may have already failed miserably or you are wavering in your resolve or maybe you’ve dropped 10 pounds and can’t wait to tell me to suck it, you are rocking it this year. No matter where you fall on the scale, my advice to you is to set that bar nice and low…Not really but when you are a perfectionist Patty (no offense to dear Aunt Patty) you gotta cut that shit out. You are setting yourself up for failure with resolutions.

Resolving sucks; it’s time to make some revolutions.

I would never tell you to do something that wasn’t a tried and true method. So here are the examples of the top 3 blow-your-hair-back New Years Revolutions I have set.

Revolution Number 1:

The year that I decided to lower my standards and say yes to every social engagement I was invited to. I had just suffered a nasty break-up and was convinced I was going to wander the world alone as a non-practicing lesbian. I worked my ass off and never went out and had lost touch with most of my friends in the process. I had dated the same guy for 3 years and I had already allowed my mind to tell me I wasn’t good enough, skinny enough, or what the crap ever enough. So I decided I would say yes and figure the rest out. That New Year’s Day I found myself drunk, playing indoor soccer with those giant exercise balls at my friends jazzercise at 2 am with people I had never seen before or since. That year I reconnected with my bestie from high school and fell in love with my soon-to-be sister in law drunk on a bus tailgating. And yes, that year I ultimately I fell in love with my soul mate, oddly enough surrounded by booze. OK, so saying yes to more social engagements somehow resulted in an increased intake of redbull and Jager. This is an incredible revolution to make in your own life with or without the booze. The point of this revolution? Stop taking yourself so seriously and get out there my tiny love muffin. Shake your grove thing and laugh until you pee yourself a little. This is a worthwhile goal, I assure you.

Revolution Number 2:

The next and best New Year’s Revolution I set for myself was to drink more. I know what you are thinking, and I can assure you my liver has made a complete recovery from this year. Being the child of a recovered alcoholic you would imagine drinking would not have been anywhere near my bucket list, but the spirit behind the goal to increase my intake of spirits was to get the fuck out of my own way. So you know how I have this thing about doing the things you swear never to do and why that’s a good thing? Check out this blog if you haven’t read it yet. I was so busy trying not to become an alcoholic that I was cutting off a part of myself from the world. Now this isn’t a blog about how I found Jesus at the bottom of a bottle of gin. Mostly because gin is gross, BUT it is to encourage you to allow yourself to do the things you aren’t allowing yourself to do and to embrace the shadowy parts of you that you have cut off.
They are still a part of you and require your love. Love them and you just might find yourself melting off the pounds before you know it.

Revolution Number 3:

And quite possibly the best of the best revolutions I have made was the year I vowed to match up all the socks in all 5 members of our families drawers and throw out what didn’t have a match. I was done with that one by noon on New Year ’s Day and spent the whole year winning! I also went back to casual drinking, yay me! Not only was my liver happier than ever with this revolution I set, but I did what I could and let go of what was driving me batty. It was so freeing, and I’m not going to lie, slightly anxiety inducing. That was the year that my business had record earnings and I realized “Holy shit, I’m actually running a business.”
My New Year’s Revolution for this year is going to be “Do it shitty.” I’m always so worried about being a great mom. A great daughter. A kick-ass blogger. An incredible wife and award winning whatever that sometimes stops me from doing anything. Hello, it’s been September since you have heard from me. So I am going to do it shitty. I may trip over my daughter when creeping in to kiss my son goodbye. I may burn the meatloaf when I stop to watch my kids jump on the trampoline. I may type “their” instead of “there” or is it “they’re”? The spirit of the message is still there. (Haha see what I did there?) The point is crappy jokes and all, I’m going to “do it shitty.”


So what’s your New Years Revolution for 2017? Please comment below so we can start the New Years revolution of 2017.